*faints*
I went to bed at like 9:30 last night and despite taking stuff to help me sleep I woke up at 1 am. I tried to go back to sleep and gave up after 30-40 mins. I logged on WoW and it was just in time to see Dan sending a mass whisper about raiding Southshore. I decided what the heck and told him I was on my way. Unfortunately it wasn’t a big raid…not many Alliance came, but he said there had been more earlier. It was still fun tho *evil grin*. I played Let the Bodies Hit the Floor while we were raiding. So then he said let’s do AV…so what the heck. We lost (so no dragon), but Lumi is no longer a BG/PvP virgin hehe.
Dan has been sending me links to music from the various Metal Gear Solid games. I love it. I haven’t played the games, but is making me want to. One of them is called The Best Is Yet to Come. That song is beautiful!
Well I just noticed my last mention of Lumine was June 29 and she was level 51 O.o
She is now 90% of the way to 67 …I took about a week off (well I would login and then end up spending most of my time sitting in Org or somewhere) and built up about 700k rested. I have about 200k left. so *maybe* it will get me to 68.
Enchanting is up to 301, Tailoring is 350. I did my spellcloth quest, I just need motes of fire and mana so I can make it. I have been finishing up Terokkar and questing in Nagrand. I got Miniwing…(purple and white parrot). I am gonna try to get into a BG and get the special dragon I haven’t done a BG with her at all so this may be interesting lol. I feel for the people I end up grouped with hehe.
I baked some chicken tonight and it came out really yummy. Heres what I did:
Took a package of 4 skinless bone-in breasts and dumped the following on each one:
little bit of lime salt
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1/4 tsp good chili powder
generous couple dashes of ground cumin
3-4 dashes of Tabasco Smoked Jalepeño (aka Chipotle) sauce
I rubbed that all over the front and back of the chicken then added some salt and coarse ground pepper. I drizzled it generously with Olive oil and baked it at 375 for about 1 and 1/2 hours. 3 times I brushed the olive oil over the meat and I covered with foil about 1/2 way through. I added more olive oil if needed and would flip the pieces around in it to make sure they stayed moist.
My boss told me I should read a book called The Dance of Anger, she even checked it out from the library and brought it to me. I haven’t quite finished it yet, but I see myself everywhere in that book. One particular scenario that has been played out sooo many times in my life is “Emotional Pursuer - Emotional Distancer”. I am very much an emotional pursuer…until I reach a certain point of hurt and/or anger and then I just kind of shut down towards someone. I have always been an emotional person. I like verbalizing my (usually positive) emotions and touching a lot and I can probably “I love you” someone to death.
And that is under normal circumstances. Let my life start getting rocky or me start feeling insecure or uncertain about things and it multiplies…alot. Which usually leads to someone feeling smothered and they start withdrawing whether they realize it or not. I go into even more of a tailspin because they are withdrawn and get more clingy which makes them withdraw more and it just keeps going like that till I reach a point of being hurt to the point I start withdrawing from THEM. Then they get confused because I am being silent and withdrawn and start pursuing me and usually I want no part of it at that point because I am still hurt from them being withdrawn. Of course there have been times as soon as they pursue me I spin around and pursue them back… usually spinning them right back into withdrawing. The more important someone is to me the more I tend to do this especially if I feel I am losing them. Unfortunately in the past if this cycle repeated itself enough then I just completely shut the other person out because the hurt eventually overrode everything else.
I think the key to this, now that I got bonked on the head by the book, is to withdraw for the right reasons. (Only maybe withdraw isn’t the right word….but it’s 6 am and I am tired so I am leaving it) For example because I realize I have been a smothering overreacting goof and because me and the other person both deserve (and need) to have some space of our own. Not to pull away out of anger and being hurt but out of the realization that yes Heather, you were smothering them and centering your life on them 100% and you need to back off before you drive them away. It doesn’t diminish how much I love and care for them, however it does give the mutual love and caring between us a much better chance of surviving.
One other thing I tend to do, and this is the other source of my troubles and anxiety right now, is I tend to bury negative emotions. I become a walking time bomb. I even work to convince myself and everyone around me that everything is just fine, but inside I feel I am dying. Unfortunately there is a very limited amount of time that I can do that. All hell usually breaks loose when I finally admit to myself I am not happy, even more so if I am provoked into admitting it to the other person. How long that takes for me to explode depends. Sometimes days other times years. It is never pretty though. And unfortunately usually so much damage has been done by the time I speak up the pieces can’t always be put back together. On one hand I have a redheaded temper and I will lose it at times, but usually the more important someone is to me the more I try not to rock the boat, the more I bury things and start to feel resentful, the more I let them walk all over me.
The key to this one is realizing I do have a right to feel angry or hurt or disappointed and when it’s something major I need to own up to it and tell the person.
I had more to say..it’ll have to be another post…I have to get up in 3 hours and so far I have only slept 2 >.<
I just found this song. It fits kinda…cept I do have people who are there for me.
I don’t like how I get/feel when my life feels like everything is uncertain. Something is gonna have to give and soon. So everyone bear with me…specially you Dan…you are the one I have gone into a million pieces with the most. I am sorry. I know I have been an emotional pain in the ass with all my mood swings.
I am so thankful for Diva and Dan and everyone else who has given me advice. And Peter…let me know if you and your family are ok. I am worried since you said yall have been having bad storms and I haven’t seen you in a week.
I never knew my father
I never knew his pain
Or that an empty home life
Would break him down again
So when I feel like running I have to look inside
I want to find the answer
I want to break my line
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgiveness when all the pain is done
I want to hear I’m sorry, I want to let you go
I have to find my own life, I want to learn to grow
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
It makes me whole again
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
Most of my birthday money went towards bills but Russ’s mom gave me 20 and said I was not allowed to use it on bills. I bought Daughtry’s self titled CD with it. Russ bought me OneRepublic’s album Dreaming Out Loud. I also used $20 and bought 4 cds off Amazon. Sum 41 - Chuck, Stereofuse - All that Remains, Stereofuse - Stereofuse and CrashBox - CrashBox. I also eventually want Benny Benassi - …Phobia and Hypnotica as well as some of Default’s albums.
OneRepublic is easily becoming one of my favorite groups. Their sound is so varied. Right now their song All Fall Down is on. I love the rhythm of it.
Pieces was my favorite song by Sum 41, but after getting the album I like almost all the songs a lot.
My mood is a little better today. Probably because it is Saturday. Still tired though.
About the only thing I would change is the 23 to 33
Pardon me while I burst…
A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like a DEFINITE possibility
to me.
So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, “I can relate,”
cause lately I’ve been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D…
but thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
Never be the same, yeah…
Pardon me, while I burst into flames…
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
When we went to the store yesterday to get stuff for dinner I spotted these “Dove Desserts: Tiramisu Silky Smooth Dark Chocolate Promises”. I am a Tiramisu fanatic even though I don’t let myself have it that often. So I splurged and got them.
I do love Dove Dark Chocolate. It is so smooth and yummy and has an awesome mouth feel, BUT they kinda messed up on the Tiramisu bit. Not that these taste bad, but it is not Tiramisu. Tiramisu is light and fluffy and tastes of cream, Mascarpone cheese, rum, coffee and chocolate with ladyfingers or sponge cake. These chocolates of course taste of chocolate, and also coffee and almost a buttered rum. They also used caramel instead of a cream filling. So, I like them but they will not stave off a Tiramisu craving.
All Dove Promises have these little sayings on the inside of the wrapper. Since I am having an identity crisis I paid closer attention to these than usual. In the 24 hrs since I bought these I have had 5. In order here are the messages I have gotten:
Scott Stapp - Surround Me lyrics
They say no man’s an island but I tend to disagree
I guess they’ve never seen my island,
And where it lies at sea
I’m lost inside my memory.
I’m still in disbelief.
If I could paint a picture for you this is what you’d see
I’m down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don’t let me run
Surround me…Surround me…now
A wounded man sounds desperate when he’s lost all his belief
Can you look into my eyes and say you won’t betray me
Where running out of time
How precious time can be
I’m counting all the moments of the times you could have helped me
I’m down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don’t let me run
Surround me…Surround me
I’m down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don’t let me run
Surround me…Surround me
Surround me now
Song lyrics | Surround Me lyrics
It seems the popped capacitor wasn’t the only issue WIndows had. Even with Russ’s card (same type video card) it did the 4 bit crap. So maybe the AGP slot is flaking out.
It works in Ubuntu…popped capacitor and all…I can play WoW and since I found a plugin for Pidgin that lets me log on to XFire I can still talk to Dan. SO I am happy about that.
Now if only Dan would get a break >.< It sucks when you care about someone so much and they just keep having bad day after bad day on top of not being able to sleep. And I can’t do a damn thing to help :<
I dual boot…Windows XP on 1 partition, Ubuntu Linux on the other. Well I started using Windows so I could use XFire…muuuuch easier to talk to people while in a game. My WIndows side is basically a slug. Last night all I had running was XFire and AIM and it was soooo laggy. So I backed everything, formatted the Windows partition and reinstalled XP. All of that went so smoothly, I shoulda known something would happen.
Boy did it…
Got wifi working and then started installing drivers…motherboard, graphics, etc. Installed the Nvidia drivers and it threw me into 4 bit color. I have tried everything…it won’t recognize my AGP slot or the card in the AGP slot. It says my sounds are working in device manager, but i have no volume controls and when I try to open them it says I have no sound device. I was still fighting it at 5 am.
At one point I got so frustrated I slammed my fists down on the keyboard. Instant major pain to the point I thought I broke, cracked or chipped a bone. A knot came up on the side of my hand so I put ice on it for about 6 hrs. It still hurts…but doesn’t look as swollen, so maybe I just bruised the heck out of it.
Started out with me wanting to go to the beach for solitude and peace…that was a bust and add insult to injury the water stunk. So I tried to go to sleep. I slept less than an hour and woke up, couldn’t fall back asleep and saw a message from a friend where something was wrong, but I don’t know what…and have no way of knowing till they come back on.
I’m feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing
Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Won’t you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won’t you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won’t change me
I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed
This is something I wrote 7 years ago. I found it in my writings folder. It’s about abuse.
It’s Not Your Fault!!!!!
by stormyeyez, 15th February 2001.
Society and the tendency to make abuse/rape survivors feel they are to blame.
I recently read the story of a woman who was blaming herself for the death of her daughter. This was a death that was sadly unnecessary, as was her self-blame, but I think the worst part of it was her family and friends blamed her as well. Did she kill her daughter? No, her husband did. They were in the garage and the woman was trying to stop her husband, who was in a rage, from going out on the road and possibly killing someone. He grabbed her by the hair (he was in the car) and started rolling up the window. As he did this he slammed her face into the window and continued rolling her hair up in the window. About this time their daughter came to the garage door and told her Daddy not to take off he had her Mommy by the hair and she started running for the car. He slammed his foot down on the gas and it was just as the little girl was at the back of the car. She died as a result of the head injuries she incurred from the back tire pulling her under.
How is this the mother’s fault? It is so easy for someone who has never been in an abusive situation to say “I would have left the first time he hit me” or “No man would ever hit me” or “If you hadn’t stayed then this wouldn’t have happened” or even “If she stayed she wanted it”. Fear is a very strong means of control and one of the hardest to break free from. You cannot know what it is truly like until you have “walked a mile in their shoes” so to speak.
Guilt from other people is the last thing any person needs in times like these. Abuse survivors heap more than enough on ourselves. The “if only’s” scream through our minds and taunt us with what might have been and what we should have done. What someone needs in times like these is support, hugs, being told, “I care” and “It isn’t your fault”. I read her story and wept, not only for the loss of a precious little girl, but because this woman was apologizing and terrified those who read her story would think less of her and not want to talk to her anymore.
I was 15 and in what started out a terrific relationship. I grew close to his family and was treated like and referred to as their daughter. I had the relationship with his mother that I had never been able to have with my own. The change came slowly and sinisterly. It tends to sneak up on you. Usually by the time the abuser actually hits you, they have you right where they want you emotionally. How so? Emotional abuse is the main way. He started out putting me down in little ways, making me feel as though he was doing me a favor staying with me because no one else would want me. By the time he pushed me for the first time I was beaten down emotionally. Of course I got told the typical “I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again” lines. Sometimes though, he shifted the blame to me. “If you were good then I wouldn’t have had to do this” was a frequent statement.
Why didn’t I leave? As I have said before, fear is a very powerful means of control. He beat, stabbed, and burned me when he was mad at someone else. There was no doubt in my mind that if _I_ made him mad he would kill me. No one knew what I was going through. I had become very clever at using makeup to hide any visible marks, though usually he marked me in places that most clothes would cover. I gave up skating, which I loved, because the skating dress showed the marks on my thighs. It took me 8 months to finally get the courage to leave. The last straw was when he raped me and had a female friend of his write a letter that was supposedly from me to him talking about how much that night had meant to me. This letter conveniently was passed around at school. Even so it took me almost 3 months to work up the courage to leave, but that was when I knew _I had to_. When I did it, I arranged for it to be in a public park with his mom, my grandmother, his sister, and a bunch of my guy friends scattered throughout the park. All I said in explanation was “I don’t know how he will react and I am afraid”.
He didn’t take it well. He stalked me, he called my family crying that he loved me and couldn’t understand why I had left him, he got our mutual friends to try to convince me to take him back, and countless other ways of trying to convince and/or intimidate me into coming back. When I finally began telling people what had happened they blamed me. I was told it was my fault, I asked for it and I deserved it by my mother. Others said if he really had done these things then I should have said something, that any intelligent person would have left when it first started, that I must have enjoyed being abused if I stayed for so long, etc. _These_ are the types of attitudes that need to be stopped.
Today’s society has a disturbing way of making the victims and survivors feel like _they_ are the criminals. A rape victim and their past is put on trial just as much or more as the rapist, a battered woman is often shunned and whispered about like _she_ is the one doing wrong, an abused child is often lost in the cracks because so many try to say “He is just looking for attention”. Each abuse case needs to be treated like there never was someone who tried to cheat the system, like it is the abuser’s and not the victim’s fault, and like it isn’t something to be ashamed of to have ended up in this situation. If you know someone who has been abused, tell them (as much as it takes for them to believe it) that it is not their fault. If you are a survivor, then I am telling you now “It is NOT your fault!!!”
Default - Wasting My Time lyrics
Well I don’t want to see you waiting
I’ve already gone too far away
I still can’t keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don’t ask for more
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my time
You can’t stop the feeling
And there’s no reason
Let’s make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don’t ask for more
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my time
You can’t stop the feeling
And there’s no reason
Let’s make the call
And take it all
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my time again
Woah again
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don’t ask for more
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my time
You can’t stop the feeling
And there’s no reason
Let’s make the call
And take it all
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my …
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don’t ask for more
I’m wasting my time
I’m wasting my time
You can’t stop the feeling
And there’s no reason
Let’s make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Song lyrics | Wasting My Time lyrics
Default - The Memory Will Never Die lyrics
I whisper in your ear the words you want to hear
You feel the wind and it reminds you
it happens everytime you stop and close your eyes
you can’t deny what lives inside you
well i know it’s hard to see
what is meant to be when yesterday is so far behind you
Deep inside your soul i’m always there
You made me believe the day you surrendered to me
the memory will never die
the love that you gave i’ll never throw it away
the memory will never die
The tides take a turn
another lesson learned
i’m right here but still you wonder
would you say that you need more and it’s known
it was before you were on your own and going under
Deep inside your soul i’m always there
You made me believe the day you surrendered to me
the memory will never die
the love that you gave i’ll never throw it away
the memory will never die
Whenever you wake up
whenever you gave up all that you had for nothing at all
the bed that you lay in remember you made it
and nobodys there to catch you when you fall
You made me believe the day you surrendered to me
the memory will never die
the love that you gave i’ll never throw it away
the memory will never die
You made me believe the day you surrendered to me
the memory will never die
the love that you gave i’ll never throw it away
the memory will never die
Song lyrics | The Memory Will Never Die lyrics
One Republic - Stop And Stare lyrics
This town is colder now, I think it’s sick of us
It’s time to make our move, I’m shakin’ off the rust
I’ve got my heart set on anywhere but here
I’m staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel…
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They’re tryin’ to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could…
Steady feet, don’t fail me now
Gonna run till you can’t walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I’m standing down…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
What you need, what you need…
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
And I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do you see what I see…
Song lyrics | Stop And Stare lyrics
I know that life ain’t always good to you.
I’ve seen exactly what it’s put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down
It may be tough you’ve to get back up
Because you know that life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you
Carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart
Well you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me
To hold you till that feeling is gone
I wonder why nobody’s waiting on you
I’d like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times
I’d love to be the light that finds you
I see a silver lining on your cloud
I’ll pick you up whenever you fall down
Just take my hand and I will help you stand
Because you know that life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is
Gone so you can live today
Seems so long to yesterday
Keep on counting on me to carry you till you carry on
Carry on
You know that life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
You can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart
You can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
(Video is not the best)
