I baked some chicken tonight and it came out really yummy. Heres what I did:
Took a package of 4 skinless bone-in breasts and dumped the following on each one:
little bit of lime salt
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1/4 tsp good chili powder
generous couple dashes of ground cumin
3-4 dashes of Tabasco Smoked Jalepeño (aka Chipotle) sauce
I rubbed that all over the front and back of the chicken then added some salt and coarse ground pepper. I drizzled it generously with Olive oil and baked it at 375 for about 1 and 1/2 hours. 3 times I brushed the olive oil over the meat and I covered with foil about 1/2 way through. I added more olive oil if needed and would flip the pieces around in it to make sure they stayed moist.
My boss told me I should read a book called The Dance of Anger, she even checked it out from the library and brought it to me. I haven’t quite finished it yet, but I see myself everywhere in that book. One particular scenario that has been played out sooo many times in my life is “Emotional Pursuer - Emotional Distancer”. I am very much an emotional pursuer…until I reach a certain point of hurt and/or anger and then I just kind of shut down towards someone. I have always been an emotional person. I like verbalizing my (usually positive) emotions and touching a lot and I can probably “I love you” someone to death.
And that is under normal circumstances. Let my life start getting rocky or me start feeling insecure or uncertain about things and it multiplies…alot. Which usually leads to someone feeling smothered and they start withdrawing whether they realize it or not. I go into even more of a tailspin because they are withdrawn and get more clingy which makes them withdraw more and it just keeps going like that till I reach a point of being hurt to the point I start withdrawing from THEM. Then they get confused because I am being silent and withdrawn and start pursuing me and usually I want no part of it at that point because I am still hurt from them being withdrawn. Of course there have been times as soon as they pursue me I spin around and pursue them back… usually spinning them right back into withdrawing. The more important someone is to me the more I tend to do this especially if I feel I am losing them. Unfortunately in the past if this cycle repeated itself enough then I just completely shut the other person out because the hurt eventually overrode everything else.
I think the key to this, now that I got bonked on the head by the book, is to withdraw for the right reasons. (Only maybe withdraw isn’t the right word….but it’s 6 am and I am tired so I am leaving it) For example because I realize I have been a smothering overreacting goof and because me and the other person both deserve (and need) to have some space of our own. Not to pull away out of anger and being hurt but out of the realization that yes Heather, you were smothering them and centering your life on them 100% and you need to back off before you drive them away. It doesn’t diminish how much I love and care for them, however it does give the mutual love and caring between us a much better chance of surviving.
One other thing I tend to do, and this is the other source of my troubles and anxiety right now, is I tend to bury negative emotions. I become a walking time bomb. I even work to convince myself and everyone around me that everything is just fine, but inside I feel I am dying. Unfortunately there is a very limited amount of time that I can do that. All hell usually breaks loose when I finally admit to myself I am not happy, even more so if I am provoked into admitting it to the other person. How long that takes for me to explode depends. Sometimes days other times years. It is never pretty though. And unfortunately usually so much damage has been done by the time I speak up the pieces can’t always be put back together. On one hand I have a redheaded temper and I will lose it at times, but usually the more important someone is to me the more I try not to rock the boat, the more I bury things and start to feel resentful, the more I let them walk all over me.
The key to this one is realizing I do have a right to feel angry or hurt or disappointed and when it’s something major I need to own up to it and tell the person.
I had more to say..it’ll have to be another post…I have to get up in 3 hours and so far I have only slept 2 >.<
I just found this song. It fits kinda…cept I do have people who are there for me.