I think part of the reason for my mood is missing people who are gone: Uncle Mike, Uncle Martin, Ganny, Mister Bob and also the anniversary of a miscarriage is right around the corner. I am also still decompressing from all the pain and stress from what happened with Dan. It’s that time of month and I am hurting plus the extra emotional bit to go along with it. This too shall pass, and I know I have so much to look forward to.
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for 11 December 2008
Melancholy
Melancholy n. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom.
That’s me right now. I can’t sleep. From 9pm till midnight I was so tired I kept falling asleep on Skype with Phil. Now 2:22 am and I am wide freakin awake. Some aspects of my life are awesome- I am losing weight, I have people who care about and love me. I am happy about that I really am, but right now I just feel like I am surrounded by a dark cloud. Maybe it is the season, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is aftereffects of the evil Flexeril I took last night. Maybe it’s just I am not used to good things happening so part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop.
Just the other day I said I actually looked forward to the future for once and it was and is true. I do look forward to the future. I think as I start making steps in the right direction things will be downright wonderful for me. Maybe it is the unknown, not knowing how long before my dreams can come to pass. I don’t know, I guess I am feeling impatient. Right now I don’t want to be responsible, I just wanna go do what I wanna do. I know I can’t right now, but the desire is there.
Sometimes I feel like my heart, soul and being have already taken off and are a long ways away from me. I want to go to where they are. *Sigh*
This probably makes very little sense, but my mind won’t slow down long enough for me to find the right words.