Miscellania

:< Woke up gunky and with an irritated throat. My grandmother is sick, so I may have gotten whatever she has.

This is one of my top 3 songs lately…

And yeah “the f word” is quite frequent in this song.

Lyrics below

(more…)

Been a lot going on behind the scenes. Not going into all that yet.

WoW-wise I have been doing PvP and helping Dan on his hunter and then Dan with his Priest and Rugal with his Warlock that they play together. Hard to believe they are getting close to being ready for Outlands. I almost have all my marks. I think I need 35 more Alterac and I’ll have the 90 I need. Honorwise I still need like 60 some thousand. But once I get my marks I am just gonna do the battlegrounds I really like. I will admit Alterac is growing on me. I like it when it goes smooth but hate when there’s like 10 afk people on our side. Or all but 2 people on offense or defense.

I am going to get Lumi in a different guild. I love Kamikaze Runners but no one is ever on. I understand they have other stuff going on, I just would like Lumi to be in a guild where I can help people and so if I need another person for an instance it isn’t a matter of “Do you have any tanks/DPS from your guild on we can get to help?” *me checking guild tab* “Uhm no, I am the only one on.” Dan’s main is guildless at the moment so we are gonna find a good one for both of us to join together.

Dan awesomely helped me last night. He helped me work on Argent Dawn rep (such a GRIND) and helped me get the Crusader weapon enchant. I thought it would take forever to get, but it took like 16 minutes with his help.

Other than the stuff I don’t feel like talking about there isn’t much going on. Oh my bike should be here this week. So then I am gonna start biking the 3 miles to work.

I wish I could eat anything other than soup without it feeling like it turned into a lead ball in my stomach. Haven’t posted lately it’s been a rough few days. Hopefully things settle soon. Keeping an eye on the storms in the Atlantic, Ike may be a problem a week or more from now. Not sure about Josephine.

I feel like I am constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack and today just has this very surreal feeling like everything is slightly off kilter or out of synch.

My boss told me I should read a book called The Dance of Anger, she even checked it out from the library and brought it to me. I haven’t quite finished it yet, but I see myself everywhere in that book. One particular scenario that has been played out sooo many times in my life is “Emotional Pursuer - Emotional Distancer”. I am very much an emotional pursuer…until I reach a certain point of hurt and/or anger and then I just kind of shut down towards someone. I have always been an emotional person. I like verbalizing my (usually positive) emotions and touching a lot and I can probably “I love you” someone to death.

And that is under normal circumstances. Let my life start getting rocky or me start feeling insecure or uncertain about things and it multiplies…alot. Which usually leads to someone feeling smothered and they start withdrawing whether they realize it or not. I go into even more of a tailspin because they are withdrawn and get more clingy which makes them withdraw more and it just keeps going like that till I reach a point of being hurt to the point I start withdrawing from THEM. Then they get confused because I am being silent and withdrawn and start pursuing me and usually I want no part of it at that point because I am still hurt from them being withdrawn. Of course there have been times as soon as they pursue me I spin around and pursue them back… usually spinning them right back into withdrawing. The more important someone is to me the more I tend to do this especially if I feel I am losing them. Unfortunately in the past if this cycle repeated itself enough then I just completely shut the other person out because the hurt eventually overrode everything else.

I think the key to this, now that I got bonked on the head by the book, is to withdraw for the right reasons. (Only maybe withdraw isn’t the right word….but it’s 6 am and I am tired so I am leaving it) For example because I realize I have been a smothering overreacting goof and because me and the other person both deserve (and need) to have some space of our own. Not to pull away out of anger and being hurt but out of the realization that yes Heather, you were smothering them and centering your life on them 100% and you need to back off before you drive them away. It doesn’t diminish how much I love and care for them, however it does give the mutual love and caring between us a much better chance of surviving.

One other thing I tend to do, and this is the other source of my troubles and anxiety right now, is I tend to bury negative emotions. I become a walking time bomb. I even work to convince myself and everyone around me that everything is just fine, but inside I feel I am dying. Unfortunately there is a very limited amount of time that I can do that. All hell usually breaks loose when I finally admit to myself I am not happy, even more so if I am provoked into admitting it to the other person. How long that takes for me to explode depends. Sometimes days other times years. It is never pretty though. And unfortunately usually so much damage has been done by the time I speak up the pieces can’t always be put back together. On one hand I have a redheaded temper and I will lose it at times, but usually the more important someone is to me the more I try not to rock the boat, the more I bury things and start to feel resentful, the more I let them walk all over me.

The key to this one is realizing I do have a right to feel angry or hurt or disappointed and when it’s something major I need to own up to it and tell the person.

I had more to say..it’ll have to be another post…I have to get up in 3 hours and so far I have only slept 2 >.<

I just found this song. It fits kinda…cept I do have people who are there for me.

I don’t like how I get/feel when my life feels like everything is uncertain. Something is gonna have to give and soon. So everyone bear with me…specially you Dan…you are the one I have gone into a million pieces with the most. I am sorry. I know I have been an emotional pain in the ass with all my mood swings.

I am so thankful for Diva and Dan and everyone else who has given me advice. And Peter…let me know if you and your family are ok. I am worried since you said yall have been having bad storms and I haven’t seen you in a week.

“Take Me As I Am”

I never knew my father
I never knew his pain
Or that an empty home life
Would break him down again
So when I feel like running I have to look inside
I want to find the answer
I want to break my line

Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain

Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting

I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgiveness when all the pain is done
I want to hear I’m sorry, I want to let you go
I have to find my own life, I want to learn to grow

Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain

Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting

It makes me whole again

Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting

About the only thing I would change is the 23 to 33

Pardon me while I burst…

A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like a DEFINITE possibility
to me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!

Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, “I can relate,”
cause lately I’ve been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D…
but thinking so much differently.

Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!

Never be the same, yeah…
Pardon me, while I burst into flames…
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!

Never be the same, yeahh!!

When we went to the store yesterday to get stuff for dinner I spotted these “Dove Desserts: Tiramisu Silky Smooth Dark Chocolate Promises”. I am a Tiramisu fanatic even though I don’t let myself have it that often. So I splurged and got them.

I do love Dove Dark Chocolate. It is so smooth and yummy and has an awesome mouth feel, BUT they kinda messed up on the Tiramisu bit. Not that these taste bad, but it is not Tiramisu. Tiramisu is light and fluffy and tastes of cream, Mascarpone cheese, rum, coffee and chocolate with ladyfingers or sponge cake. These chocolates of course taste of chocolate, and also coffee and almost a buttered rum. They also used caramel instead of a cream filling. So, I like them but they will not stave off a Tiramisu craving.

All Dove Promises have these little sayings on the inside of the wrapper. Since I am having an identity crisis I paid closer attention to these than usual. In the 24 hrs since I bought these I have had 5. In order here are the messages I have gotten:

1. Discover yourself
2. Age is nothing but a number
3. Remember your first everything
4. Do what feels right
5. Go against the grain

Interesting…

Update on the computer saga.

It seems the popped capacitor wasn’t the only issue WIndows had. Even with Russ’s card (same type video card) it did the 4 bit crap. So maybe the AGP slot is flaking out.

BUT…and this is why I <3 Ubuntu right about now…

It works in Ubuntu…popped capacitor and all…I can play WoW and since I found a plugin for Pidgin that lets me log on to XFire I can still talk to Dan. SO I am happy about that.

Now if only Dan would get a break >.< It sucks when you care about someone so much and they just keep having bad day after bad day on top of not being able to sleep. And I can’t do a damn thing to help :<

I dual boot…Windows XP on 1 partition, Ubuntu Linux on the other. Well I started using Windows so I could use XFire…muuuuch easier to talk to people while in a game. My WIndows side is basically a slug. Last night all I had running was XFire and AIM and it was soooo laggy. So I backed everything, formatted the Windows partition and reinstalled XP. All of that went so smoothly, I shoulda known something would happen.

Boy did it…

Got wifi working and then started installing drivers…motherboard, graphics, etc. Installed the Nvidia drivers and it threw me into 4 bit color. I have tried everything…it won’t recognize my AGP slot or the card in the AGP slot. It says my sounds are working in device manager, but i have no volume controls and when I try to open them it says I have no sound device. I was still fighting it at 5 am.

At one point I got so frustrated I slammed my fists down on the keyboard. Instant major pain to the point I thought I broke, cracked or chipped a bone. A knot came up on the side of my hand so I put ice on it for about 6 hrs. It still hurts…but doesn’t look as swollen, so maybe I just bruised the heck out of it.

From http://www.xkcd.com

Started out with me wanting to go to the beach for solitude and peace…that was a bust and add insult to injury the water stunk. So I tried to go to sleep. I slept less than an hour and woke up, couldn’t fall back asleep and saw a message from a friend where something was wrong, but I don’t know what…and have no way of knowing till they come back on.

Unrelated…here’s a pic I took the other day

“Bleed” - Cold

I’m feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things
I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing

Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody

I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive

Won’t you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won’t you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won’t change me

I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed

I think it’s time I found me again. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself and let myself only be thought of in terms of other people. It is getting to where I don’t even know who *I* am anymore. I can’t write anymore, I rarely sing anymore, things I used to love are no longer interesting to me. I am tired of it. Part of the song I posted previously just keeps looping through my head:

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I am scared as hell
But I know there’s something better
Yes I know there’s something better

Lyrics Below

(more…)

Nothing like a full day focusing on the thing that most makes you feel like a failure as a woman. The only difference this year is I didn’t get guilt tripped in an attempt to make me go to church. Only because Nanny felt too bad to go today.

I refuse to go to church on Mother’s Day. It is so painful to sit there watching all the mothers go forward and get recognized and get their flowers. What about those of us who have tried and just endured loss after loss? Not there would be any winning with me. If I went to church and they acknowledged those of us who are trying to become moms and not succeeding I would be too upset to stand up be acknowledged. Either way it’s like standing up and saying “Hey look at me I fail at the one thing I want most out of life.”

Not a single person said Happy Mother’s Day to me, I guess it’s because to most Angel babies don’t count.

For once I think I am thinking “Is it Monday yet?”