Let's see. I got the nasty respiratory infection that was going around. I was sick almost 3 weeks. I lost my job. I am still trying to get my lungs healed up and strengthened. I am meeting with an AVON rep on Thursday to start selling AVON as a side source of income. I registered for classes to get my Bachelors degree online in Computer Crime/Computer Forensics. Basically it will be a Criminal Justice major with major aspects of Business and Computers. Classes start Feb 24. I will be taking Introduction to the Criminal Justice System and Art and Humanities: Twentieth Century and Beyond. Looking forward to the CJ course, not so much on the Humanities, but luckily the majority of what I will have to take after this is related to my degree and not core stuff. I am also studying for the A+ certification exam.
Things are going great with John. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is my Imzadi.
I have so much I need to do and I am just not getting it done as I was hoping. Good news though. Russ's mom sold me her portable dishwasher and after a major blonde moment with the adapter it is able to be hooked up. Now I just need detergent. Yay for dishwashing getting much easier and now having another work area.
My Family Christmas is this Sunday. I am taking spinach dip (just the traditional knorr), white chocolate fudge (satsuma zest, white chocolate, condensed milk, toasted almonds, dried cranberries), and broccoli salad. The salad is a hybrid between the one I am used to and the one John is used to. The one I am used to is broccoli, red onions, raisins and bacon bits in a mayo/sugar/apple cider vinegar dressing. The one he is used to is broccoli, cherry tomatoes and shredded cheddar in the same type dressing. I combined the two and left out the raisins. It came out really good.
I am making homemade goodies to give people as well. In addition to the previously mentioned fudge I am hoping to make date balls, double chocolate walnut biscotti, oreo balls, marshmallows, haystacks (butterscotch and chowmein noodles), forgotten cookies, rum balls and pistachio nougat. If the weather cooperates I may make divinity but really I think I am making more than enough sweets hehe.
John is on the road and I am missing him. I know he will be home tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it. I think we are gonna hang out with his family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I am not sure. Either way I have both days off so I am game for whatever. I am looking forward to Christmas this year. I can't wait to give John his present. I know he isn't expecting it, but I am equally sure he will really like it. He *better* hehe. I was torn on whether to go for it or not and decided what the heck.
In other news I am getting a tattoo. Jake is going to help me come up with a phoenix design I like and I am getting it on my left upper arm. It is to symbolize my healing and journey toward self acceptance. It is also going to not only cover the scars on my arm, but he is going to come up with a way to use them in the design to add even more depth and meaning.
On the 12th we went to Jake's wife Amy's graduation. It was a rainy day but we had fun. We all ate at Atlas in p-cola. The food was great and extra bonus points for the presentation. It just would have been a good time for me to suddenly love seafood.
No matter what I do or how fair I try to be I am going to be the evil bitch ex-wife to some people. I am trying to be as fair as possible about things. I am not being greedy about possessions. I am letting him stay on my cell plan and just give me his part of the bill. The only thing I put my foot down about was him moving out of Nanny’s and that was partly because his mom needs him and partly because it was time and because she didn’t feel comfortable with him being there after the divorce. I also knew John was coming with me to Thanksgiving and it would be awkward for everyone and hurtful for Russ if he was still there.
John….he is probably the main reason I am getting trashed to put it mildly. What people don’t understand, because I know I was closemouthed to everyone and I suspect Russ was as well, is things have been dead between us for a long time. I was sleeping in a different room over 2 years ago. I actually moved out of the room we shared June/July 2008. I told him shortly after that I was not happy and if things didn’t change it would be over. I am not going into details about what…that is between him and I. Things didn’t change. I emailed my cousin Sept 2008 saying I was considering divorce. I knew I couldn’t afford it at my current income. I started looking for other work. I spoke to my Dad who said I needed to have a lawyer to cover my ass. I spoke to a lawyer in June. I continued looking for work. I met and started talking to John online August 28, 2009. I told him I was married but getting divorced as soon as I got a job so I could afford all my bills. We started out as friends but it evolved. I found a job at a call center. I got back in touch with the lawyer. The writing up of the papers got delayed a bit because the lawyer had an accident and was on too much pain medicine to be able to do his job. The papers were finally signed and the filing fee paid in the beginning of November. So yes there was a bit of overlap there but we were in all ways (except for the fact we had the same address) seperated. If people want to tar and feather me and say nasty things about me for how things worked out…their perogative. The people who are close to me know the truth, know the hurt, know how hard it was for me to take those steps and know that the way things were…were killing me. Would I do anything differently? No. I was prepared to be the spinster in the family. I never expected someone as amazing as John to come into my life. There was no way I was turning my back on that.
I have been working hard to find some kind of full time job. I need the income to be able to file. The limbo is killing me. I just want to be able to move on. Things have been stagnant so long. I have been going out to Bon Secour a lot and it has been awesome. Nanny doesn’t know quite what to think about me suddenly having a social life, but it is a good thing. I have always been more the homebody type. I have found though that it is one thing to choose to stay home all the time…but when you feel locked into it that sucks.
We may be going to BayFest. I am hoping anyway. It looks like there are going to be some good groups performing. If we do it won’t be this weekend, but the next. Last night after I applied for work out at the Tanger I went to Bon Secour and we had Chinese food and watched the House premiere.
Harry has gotten me hooked on Mafia Wars on Facebook.
Ever since Diva mentioned it on SoThere, I have been following the blog of a brave woman named Lisa who has been fighting cancer. Sadly she is now in the final, final stages. I am hoping for a sense of peace to pass over her and her family. I can’t imagine what they are going through.
Infection cleared up and no surgeon. Yay! The scary part is the ER bill I got yesterday for $567.
I am working off and on on my site http://www.healing-within.net. I changed the look a bit and put stuff on the ‘About Me’ section. I have to research resources and then I will actually have a helpful site.
I really hate when people I love and/or care about are going through a lot or are sick and I am far away and feel helpless to do anything. *sigh*
Right now I am really wishing for a good night’s sleep. Last night was semi-better. I actually slept straight through 3 hours, and probably would have longer if Shadow hadn’t decided to get yappy. I got more than 3 hrs sleep, it’s just 3 hrs is the longest I slept at one time.
Infections suck. Especially infections that drain all your energy, require a trip to the ER, involve taking massive doses of antibiotics and result in spending the bulk of your time curled up in bed with a heating pad hoping you don’t have to see a surgeon.
I think part of the reason for my mood is missing people who are gone: Uncle Mike, Uncle Martin, Ganny, Mister Bob and also the anniversary of a miscarriage is right around the corner. I am also still decompressing from all the pain and stress from what happened with Dan. It’s that time of month and I am hurting plus the extra emotional bit to go along with it. This too shall pass, and I know I have so much to look forward to.
Melancholy n. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom.
That’s me right now. I can’t sleep. From 9pm till midnight I was so tired I kept falling asleep on Skype with Phil. Now 2:22 am and I am wide freakin awake. Some aspects of my life are awesome- I am losing weight, I have people who care about and love me. I am happy about that I really am, but right now I just feel like I am surrounded by a dark cloud. Maybe it is the season, maybe it is hormones, maybe it is aftereffects of the evil Flexeril I took last night. Maybe it’s just I am not used to good things happening so part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop.
Just the other day I said I actually looked forward to the future for once and it was and is true. I do look forward to the future. I think as I start making steps in the right direction things will be downright wonderful for me. Maybe it is the unknown, not knowing how long before my dreams can come to pass. I don’t know, I guess I am feeling impatient. Right now I don’t want to be responsible, I just wanna go do what I wanna do. I know I can’t right now, but the desire is there.
Sometimes I feel like my heart, soul and being have already taken off and are a long ways away from me. I want to go to where they are. *Sigh*
This probably makes very little sense, but my mind won’t slow down long enough for me to find the right words.
Absolutely awful at writing in my blog. I don’t know why exactly. I have some food stuff I have been meaning to add. I just .. meh. Things are going on and I guess I am holding them close to me, good and bad. I think this is going to be a skimpy Christmas, but the gifts I do give will be coming straight from the heart.
I’ve been more social in WoW and have made some new friends. It feels good to feel free to talk to people and help people without worry of snippy remarks. I have put in way more hours than I should lately just because it is nice to be able to do whatever I want.
I have been steady losing weight, which makes me very happy. I have added Hydroxycut to the mix just to try to jump start my metabolism a bit. I am not taking the full dose though, staying at the starting dose because I don’t want my blood pressure to rocket up. Being skinny won’t do me a lick of good if I give myself a stroke or heart attack. Phil sent me a bottle to try to see how I did with it.
If I ever manage to find my $50 rebate visa card I am getting my hair cut…short. The place I am going does personal consultations and customizes based on hair type and bone structure. I want something short, low to no maintenance apart from getting it cut, that emphasizes my eyes and doesn’t make me look like a boy. I am thinking pixie cut short.
Been a lot going on behind the scenes. Not going into all that yet.
WoW-wise I have been doing PvP and helping Dan on his hunter and then Dan with his Priest and Rugal with his Warlock that they play together. Hard to believe they are getting close to being ready for Outlands. I almost have all my marks. I think I need 35 more Alterac and I’ll have the 90 I need. Honorwise I still need like 60 some thousand. But once I get my marks I am just gonna do the battlegrounds I really like. I will admit Alterac is growing on me. I like it when it goes smooth but hate when there’s like 10 afk people on our side. Or all but 2 people on offense or defense.
I am going to get Lumi in a different guild. I love Kamikaze Runners but no one is ever on. I understand they have other stuff going on, I just would like Lumi to be in a guild where I can help people and so if I need another person for an instance it isn’t a matter of “Do you have any tanks/DPS from your guild on we can get to help?” *me checking guild tab* “Uhm no, I am the only one on.” Dan’s main is guildless at the moment so we are gonna find a good one for both of us to join together.
Dan awesomely helped me last night. He helped me work on Argent Dawn rep (such a GRIND) and helped me get the Crusader weapon enchant. I thought it would take forever to get, but it took like 16 minutes with his help.
Other than the stuff I don’t feel like talking about there isn’t much going on. Oh my bike should be here this week. So then I am gonna start biking the 3 miles to work.
I wish I could eat anything other than soup without it feeling like it turned into a lead ball in my stomach. Haven’t posted lately it’s been a rough few days. Hopefully things settle soon. Keeping an eye on the storms in the Atlantic, Ike may be a problem a week or more from now. Not sure about Josephine.
I feel like I am constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack and today just has this very surreal feeling like everything is slightly off kilter or out of synch.
I don’t like how I get/feel when my life feels like everything is uncertain. Something is gonna have to give and soon. So everyone bear with me…specially you Dan…you are the one I have gone into a million pieces with the most. I am sorry. I know I have been an emotional pain in the ass with all my mood swings.
I am so thankful for Diva and Dan and everyone else who has given me advice. And Peter…let me know if you and your family are ok. I am worried since you said yall have been having bad storms and I haven’t seen you in a week.
I never knew my father
I never knew his pain
Or that an empty home life
Would break him down again
So when I feel like running I have to look inside
I want to find the answer
I want to break my line
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
I want to roll my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgiveness when all the pain is done
I want to hear I’m sorry, I want to let you go
I have to find my own life, I want to learn to grow
Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
It makes me whole again
Take me as I am
I’m not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I’m still learning
How to love again and stop hurting
About the only thing I would change is the 23 to 33
Pardon me while I burst…
A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like a DEFINITE possibility
to me.
So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
Not two days ago,
I was having a look
in a book
and I saw a picture of a guy
fried up above his knee.
I said, “I can relate,”
cause lately I’ve been thinking of combustication
as a welcome vacation from
the burdens of
the planet Earth.
like gravity, hypocrisy,
and the perils of being in 3-D…
but thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
Never be the same, yeah…
Pardon me, while I burst into flames…
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst
into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world
and its people’s mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me…
I’ll never be the same!
When we went to the store yesterday to get stuff for dinner I spotted these “Dove Desserts: Tiramisu Silky Smooth Dark Chocolate Promises”. I am a Tiramisu fanatic even though I don’t let myself have it that often. So I splurged and got them.
I do love Dove Dark Chocolate. It is so smooth and yummy and has an awesome mouth feel, BUT they kinda messed up on the Tiramisu bit. Not that these taste bad, but it is not Tiramisu. Tiramisu is light and fluffy and tastes of cream, Mascarpone cheese, rum, coffee and chocolate with ladyfingers or sponge cake. These chocolates of course taste of chocolate, and also coffee and almost a buttered rum. They also used caramel instead of a cream filling. So, I like them but they will not stave off a Tiramisu craving.
All Dove Promises have these little sayings on the inside of the wrapper. Since I am having an identity crisis I paid closer attention to these than usual. In the 24 hrs since I bought these I have had 5. In order here are the messages I have gotten:
It seems the popped capacitor wasn’t the only issue WIndows had. Even with Russ’s card (same type video card) it did the 4 bit crap. So maybe the AGP slot is flaking out.
It works in Ubuntu…popped capacitor and all…I can play WoW and since I found a plugin for Pidgin that lets me log on to XFire I can still talk to Dan. SO I am happy about that.
Now if only Dan would get a break >.< It sucks when you care about someone so much and they just keep having bad day after bad day on top of not being able to sleep. And I can’t do a damn thing to help :<
