The past ~ 2 months have been some of the hardest, most frustrating months of my life I believe. I hurt my back. So, big deal, a lot of people have back trouble. Yeah I know, I already dealt with daily back pain. I sucked it up and still worked, went to the store, cleaned house, etc. This with my back now, this is like slamming into a brick wall. This is not being able to be on my feet for even an hour before I am in tears. This is not being able to sit in my desk chair for 2-3 hours without both legs feeling like Freddy Kreuger is shredding them. This is being afraid to do anything that requires bending for more than a second or two if John is not home because I may get stuck. This is being stubborn and going to the store with John and then by the time we get home he has to lift my feet over the ledge of the car so I can get out because I can’t. This is me having an epidural and 6 days later still hoping it will work. And more than that, emotionally, this has devastated me. I went from working and covering my own bills and helping with household expenses to not working, not being able to cover my bills on my own and watching as the man I love is having to shoulder everything. He does it without complaint, but I know it’s hard on him.
People tell me to get on disability, and I don’t know it may come to that. What they don’t realize is you have to be disabled 6 months before they will even consider it. So they won’t even LOOK seriously at my application until December. This is August, so what do we do for the next 4 months?
A job opening is available. It’s an office job, so it won’t be all the bending and lifting and pulling I had to do with elderly care. The only thing is, as things stand right now I can’t sit up 8 hrs. I interviewed and hope I get it. I’m gonna do everything I can to endure the sitting if they hire me, even if it means going to work with ice packs and the TENS unit hooked up to me. We need the money and I would get insurance. Not to mention the boost to my self-esteem. I feel so worthless right now because I am not working, I can’t do stuff around the house and I can no longer really do the shopping. I walk around the store with John and pay for it afterwards, but I wouldn’t be able to shop and unload the car and put stuff away.
Hopefully I get this job…
Right now the doctors are trying to figure out what to do about me. Trying to figure out the best way to get me relief while keeping in mind that I have no insurance so I have to pay up front. I hope they figure something out soon.
I have so much I need to do and I am just not getting it done as I was hoping. Good news though. Russ's mom sold me her portable dishwasher and after a major blonde moment with the adapter it is able to be hooked up. Now I just need detergent. Yay for dishwashing getting much easier and now having another work area.
My Family Christmas is this Sunday. I am taking spinach dip (just the traditional knorr), white chocolate fudge (satsuma zest, white chocolate, condensed milk, toasted almonds, dried cranberries), and broccoli salad. The salad is a hybrid between the one I am used to and the one John is used to. The one I am used to is broccoli, red onions, raisins and bacon bits in a mayo/sugar/apple cider vinegar dressing. The one he is used to is broccoli, cherry tomatoes and shredded cheddar in the same type dressing. I combined the two and left out the raisins. It came out really good.
I am making homemade goodies to give people as well. In addition to the previously mentioned fudge I am hoping to make date balls, double chocolate walnut biscotti, oreo balls, marshmallows, haystacks (butterscotch and chowmein noodles), forgotten cookies, rum balls and pistachio nougat. If the weather cooperates I may make divinity but really I think I am making more than enough sweets hehe.
John is on the road and I am missing him. I know he will be home tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it. I think we are gonna hang out with his family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I am not sure. Either way I have both days off so I am game for whatever. I am looking forward to Christmas this year. I can't wait to give John his present. I know he isn't expecting it, but I am equally sure he will really like it. He *better* hehe. I was torn on whether to go for it or not and decided what the heck.
In other news I am getting a tattoo. Jake is going to help me come up with a phoenix design I like and I am getting it on my left upper arm. It is to symbolize my healing and journey toward self acceptance. It is also going to not only cover the scars on my arm, but he is going to come up with a way to use them in the design to add even more depth and meaning.
On the 12th we went to Jake's wife Amy's graduation. It was a rainy day but we had fun. We all ate at Atlas in p-cola. The food was great and extra bonus points for the presentation. It just would have been a good time for me to suddenly love seafood.
I’ve skittered around what is going on. I have avoided blogging. I have said I will say something once I finally do it. I am tired of hiding behind it now.
I am filing for divorce. It is not working. There is no point in 2 people living in misery and being destroyed. I can’t file until I find another job so I can cover my bills, but it is happening. I don’t want us being enemies, but I cannot do this anymore.
Right now I am sick, getting over the flu, his mom is in critical care unit at Baptist hospital. She may be having surgery today or they may decide to try a chest tube first to drain the fluid and pus out of her chest.
There is no easy time to make such an announcement, and even though things are to this point between us, it doesn’t mean I am just gonna abandon him and his mom during crisis.
Things have been kinda of hectic lately. Nanny has a suspicious spot in her chest that they are going to have to test for cancer. I hope she doesn’t have it for a 3rd time.
I started playing an Alliance character on a PvP realm and it’s been great fun. The guild is great and so very helpful. They are a great group of guys even if Vent sometimes seems like being in a locker room heh. All the high levels have left Kamikaze Runners and joined up with Circle of Nine. I don’t know how I feel about it really. Yes I wanted our guild more active, but not necessarily wanting to be in a guild that huge.
Mav gave me a Tickbird Hatchling yesterday and I heard it sing this morning. *smiles* I love the baby murlock warble. Even though I don’t understand making a bird make that noise, I am not going to complain.
Well I am trying to get the Epic set for Lumi. I have done only battlegrounds this weekend. To get the set I need 65,250 honor, 30 Warsung Gulch marks, 50 Arathi Marks and 50 Alterac Marks. To get the staff and wand I need another 36,000 honor, 40 Alterac and 10 Eye of the Storm. Not counting the marks I need if I want a mount (30 WSG, 30 Arathi and 30 Alterac) . Oh plus if I buy gems in Hall of Legends…prolly need more lol. It all sounds overwhelming lol.
I currently have 10,611 honor, 21 WSG, 58 Arathi, 7 Alterac and 5 Eye of the Storm.
Dan has been sending me links to music from the various Metal Gear Solid games. I love it. I haven’t played the games, but is making me want to. One of them is called The Best Is Yet to Come. That song is beautiful!
I think it’s time I found me again. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself and let myself only be thought of in terms of other people. It is getting to where I don’t even know who *I* am anymore. I can’t write anymore, I rarely sing anymore, things I used to love are no longer interesting to me. I am tired of it. Part of the song I posted previously just keeps looping through my head:
I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I am scared as hell
But I know there’s something better
Yes I know there’s something better
The Moon is a card of magic and mystery – when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.
The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.
I am searching for a full featured app that is Linux friendly that I can post entries through. I don’t think this is going to be i though…it doesn’t allow me to set tags and such.
