People tell me to get on disability, and I don’t know it may come to that. What they don’t realize is you have to be disabled 6 months before they will even consider it. So they won’t even LOOK seriously at my application until December. This is August, so what do we do for the next 4 months?

A job opening is available. It’s an office job, so it won’t be all the bending and lifting and pulling I had to do with elderly care. The only thing is, as things stand right now I can’t sit up 8 hrs. I interviewed and hope I get it. I’m gonna do everything I can to endure the sitting if they hire me, even if it means going to work with ice packs and the TENS unit hooked up to me. We need the money and I would get insurance. Not to mention the boost to my self-esteem. I feel so worthless right now because I am not working, I can’t do stuff around the house and I can no longer really do the shopping. I walk around the store with John and pay for it afterwards, but I wouldn’t be able to shop and unload the car and put stuff away.

Hopefully I get this job…

Right now the doctors are trying to figure out what to do about me. Trying to figure out the best way to get me relief while keeping in mind that I have no insurance so I have to pay up front. I hope they figure something out soon.

Things are going great with John. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is my Imzadi.

My Family Christmas is this Sunday. I am taking spinach dip (just the traditional knorr), white chocolate fudge (satsuma zest, white chocolate, condensed milk, toasted almonds, dried cranberries), and broccoli salad. The salad is a hybrid between the one I am used to and the one John is used to. The one I am used to is broccoli, red onions, raisins and bacon bits in a mayo/sugar/apple cider vinegar dressing. The one he is used to is broccoli, cherry tomatoes and shredded cheddar in the same type dressing. I combined the two and left out the raisins. It came out really good.

I am making homemade goodies to give people as well. In addition to the previously mentioned fudge I am hoping to make date balls, double chocolate walnut biscotti, oreo balls, marshmallows, haystacks (butterscotch and chowmein noodles), forgotten cookies, rum balls and pistachio nougat. If the weather cooperates I may make divinity but really I think I am making more than enough sweets hehe.

John is on the road and I am missing him. I know he will be home tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it. I think we are gonna hang out with his family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I am not sure. Either way I have both days off so I am game for whatever. I am looking forward to Christmas this year. I can't wait to give John his present. I know he isn't expecting it, but I am equally sure he will really like it. He *better* hehe. I was torn on whether to go for it or not and decided what the heck.

In other news I am getting a tattoo. Jake is going to help me come up with a phoenix design I like and I am getting it on my left upper arm. It is to symbolize my healing and journey toward self acceptance. It is also going to not only cover the scars on my arm, but he is going to come up with a way to use them in the design to add even more depth and meaning.

On the 12th we went to Jake's wife Amy's graduation. It was a rainy day but we had fun. We all ate at Atlas in p-cola. The food was great and extra bonus points for the presentation. It just would have been a good time for me to suddenly love seafood.

No matter what I do or how fair I try to be I am going to be the evil bitch ex-wife to some people. I am trying to be as fair as possible about things. I am not being greedy about possessions. I am letting him stay on my cell plan and just give me his part of the bill. The only thing I put my foot down about was him moving out of Nanny’s and that was partly because his mom needs him and partly because it was time and because she didn’t feel comfortable with him being there after the divorce. I also knew John was coming with me to Thanksgiving and it would be awkward for everyone and hurtful for Russ if he was still there.

John….he is probably the main reason I am getting trashed to put it mildly. What people don’t understand, because I know I was closemouthed to everyone and I suspect Russ was as well, is things have been dead between us for a long time. I was sleeping in a different room over 2 years ago. I actually moved out of the room we shared June/July 2008. I told him shortly after that I was not happy and if things didn’t change it would be over. I am not going into details about what…that is between him and I. Things didn’t change. I emailed my cousin Sept 2008 saying I was considering divorce. I knew I couldn’t afford it at my current income. I started looking for other work. I spoke to my Dad who said I needed to have a lawyer to cover my ass. I spoke to a lawyer in June. I continued looking for work. I met and started talking to John online August 28, 2009. I told him I was married but getting divorced as soon as I got a job so I could afford all my bills. We started out as friends but it evolved. I found a job at a call center. I got back in touch with the lawyer. The writing up of the papers got delayed a bit because the lawyer had an accident and was on too much pain medicine to be able to do his job. The papers were finally signed and the filing fee paid in the beginning of November. So yes there was a bit of overlap there but we were in all ways (except for the fact we had the same address) seperated. If people want to tar and feather me and say nasty things about me for how things worked out…their perogative. The people who are close to me know the truth, know the hurt, know how hard it was for me to take those steps and know that the way things were…were killing me. Would I do anything differently? No. I was prepared to be the spinster in the family. I never expected someone as amazing as John to come into my life. There was no way I was turning my back on that.

We may be going to BayFest. I am hoping anyway. It looks like there are going to be some good groups performing. If we do it won’t be this weekend, but the next. Last night after I applied for work out at the Tanger I went to Bon Secour and we had Chinese food and watched the House premiere.

Picture from Sept 13 before I went out.

I am filing for divorce. It is not working. There is no point in 2 people living in misery and being destroyed. I can’t file until I find another job so I can cover my bills, but it is happening. I don’t want us being enemies, but I cannot do this anymore.

Right now I am sick, getting over the flu, his mom is in critical care unit at Baptist hospital. She may be having surgery today or they may decide to try a chest tube first to drain the fluid and pus out of her chest.

There is no easy time to make such an announcement, and even though things are to this point between us, it doesn’t mean I am just gonna abandon him and his mom during crisis.

Things have been kinda of hectic lately. Nanny has a suspicious spot in her chest that they are going to have to test for cancer. I hope she doesn’t have it for a 3rd time.

I started playing an Alliance character on a PvP realm and it’s been great fun. The guild is great and so very helpful. They are a great group of guys even if Vent sometimes seems like being in a locker room heh. All the high levels have left Kamikaze Runners and joined up with Circle of Nine. I don’t know how I feel about it really. Yes I wanted our guild more active, but not necessarily wanting to be in a guild that huge.

Mav gave me a Tickbird Hatchling yesterday and I heard it sing this morning. *smiles* I love the baby murlock warble. Even though I don’t understand making a bird make that noise, I am not going to complain.

I started a cooking blog http://www.375-degrees.com I haven’t been in a cooking mood lately though.

It’s stormy today…I just wanna go sleep…

Chicken in the glaze

The bubbling glaze

The chicken before tossing it in the glaze

One of my most used seasoning blends lately

Will post details later

I bought 2 packs of beef short ribs. Each one had 5-6 ribs. I bought a cast iron dutch oven, heated just enough olive oil to cover the bottom over medium heat. It takes a while. I dredged them in flour seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic & herb no salt seasoning and garlic powder. I shook off the excess flour and browned the ribs on all sides in small batches. After all the ribs were browned and out of the pot  I added 1 large chopped white onion and cooked it till soft. I added the ribs back in and  then I deglazed the pan with 1 box of College Inn Bold Beef Sirloin stock and scraped up all the brown bits in the pot. I turned it up slightly and got it bubbling, then put it back on medium and let it simmer for about 2 hrs. I tasted it and added a little more seasoning to the liquid. KEEP this leftover liquid. It makes an awesome pot of soup.

I poured some maple syrup into a small nonstick skillet and cooked it down till it was slightly thickened. I stirred in some salted butter, tasted it..added a little more butter, some nutmeg, a pinch of salt, some vanilla and some rum flavoring. While I was doing this I also peeled and cubed 2 sweet potatoes, then I steamed them about 15 mins. You have to watch them, you just want them to be soft. It does not take long. Once they were soft I put them in a bowl and used a hand mixer to beat them with the maple-butter as the liquid (Don’t over beat…it will become goop). I didn’t quite concentrate the maple syrup enough so I added some brown sugar, a bit of molasses (not much) and cinnamon to the potatoes as well. I also adjust the salt.

We also had steamed baby veggies. It was a mix of baby corn kernels, green beans and sweet peas.

Ever since Diva mentioned it on SoThere, I have been following the blog of a brave woman named Lisa who has been fighting cancer. Sadly she is now in the final, final stages. I am hoping for a sense of peace to pass over her and her family. I can’t imagine what they are going through.